The Angry German: Englishmen in America

This article is best read aloud in a German accent. Though you may seem more impressive if you try a British accent.

By The Angry German

The Angry German

Dear Americans,

Please, if you hear someone speak with an English accent, it does not make him smart by default. There are millions of people in England who are complete idiots, yet they speak with an English accent. In my group at work we have an Englishman, and it regularly happens that I propose something with my Arnold accent, and he jumps in literally a minute later and says the exact same fucking thing, and everyone nods and says, "Yeah, Simon is right, this is the way we should do it."

Really, if your forefathers had had the same reaction, you'd still be reporting to Buckingham Palace. Whereas I want to drown him in Pimm's lemonade.

Women seem to take the English accent as an aphrodisiac. I can say, "Hey, I work for an investment bank, have my own place, and write a column in Esquire magazine" and get no response. Whereas butt-ugly Mr. Winterbottom to my side says, "Hey, I am on parole and need to buy some coke -- care to help me out?" As long as he says it with a Brit accent, it is guaranteed that she will go home with him and fund his cocaine addiction.

Please, dear Yanks, take this advice at heart. Now, I myself have many English friends, and I can take the accent thing, as long as they continue to be the biggest underperformers in world sports. But don't you be fooled.

The author is a German who has been living in the U.S. for about ten years. He is often angry.

[Origin of the Species]