THE MORNING ACCORDING TO US

by Brian Hill and Chris Sprow

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"When I say knight to king three, you say knight to king three! Say knight…"

So this is how we do this. Each entry here corresponds with an item on the map up top. It's the world, in a quick trip. It's blanket coverage, so feel the warmth. Today we know that the first, and last place we want to be is in the midst of a British Shin-Kicking competition. The pain, the hilarity: a potent blend.

Shin-Kickers
In Gloucestshire, England, each fall brings the majesty, and pain, of another Shin-Kicking Championships. What we'd like to know is what you get for tossing your opponent to the ground. We are confused and amazed by the nuance of this sport. If power walking is in the Olympics, well, let's hope the kickers have their cash ready to pay off the IOC like everybody else.

Wu-t's Your Next Move
The notorious Wu-Tang Clan rap ensemble have set up a new website to promote their new sideline - online chess. WuChess.com claims to be the "the world's first online chess and urban social network", reports the Daily Telegraph. Frankly, we think this sounds good. If we an combine the chess mastery of the guys who gave us "Gravel Pit" with a place to meet chess chicks, we've got 75% of a social life wrapped up.

Runnin' on Rice
Olympic marathon runners are no less obsessed about shoes than the gal pals in "Sex and the City." Later this month, Ryan Hall and Deena Kastor of the United States plan to begin testing the latest design from the distance-running equivalent of Manolo Blahnik. Their shoemaker is a Japanese master craftsman whose soles are renowned but for the gripping properties of rice husks. We like this, but as Americans, we wish we knew how to quit you, corn.

Viva Viagra, Roger!
Roger Clemens apparently discovered the benefits of another performance-enhancing drug sweeping the sports world - Viagra. Clemens stashed the clearly marked, diamond-shaped pills in a GNC vitamin bottle in his locker at Yankee Stadium, according to a source familiar with the clubhouse. We're not sure this is wrong. In fact, we're not sure about anything anymore.

Peyton is O'Doyle?
Well, he really isn't the famed Billy Madison antagonist, but when we learned that Peyton Manning had the audacity to take time out of his schedule to play flag football with foster children in the Indianapolis area, we hoped for a video to surface of Manning in a dodgeball competition with the kiddies. Just drop this football thing and come back to SNL and commercials where you belong, brother.