08 def. Chicken, 111-94

Hey, a victory for all the Joe the Plumbers out there! Big ups to 'da Dewar for hanging in there and giving his opponents his fantasy all! He could have given up and started Cedric Benson, but no, he stayed true to himself and Braylon Edwards and bucked the popular trend [conceding defeat][being a part of Fat America][wearing super tight jeans with a tapered leg] and won!

Franzia def. zdravie, 76-71

Keith quits the losing game of grab-ass his team had been playing in alarming unison the past three weeks and defeats one of the more exciting contributors to 12ptbnl. The Box of Winers may have had no quarterbacks to play, but they still have...their PRIDE!

Makes Them Pay def. -, 88-73

Caucasian fathers lack rhythm.

Warn is a caucasian father.
∴ One Arm Armada fails to stem the powerful Misny tide.
Make sense?

Anti-Dentites def. Jarheads, 137-76

Just because Dr. Lou mentions a certain German dictator on air doesn't mean you all have to get up and eat your lunch elsewhere, does it? Maybe it does. What would Margelfeltskey do? Most certainly get up from the Dr. Lou lunch table. Then probably grow a beard. But definitely get up from the lunch table. It's a walk-out!

Buffalo Soldier def. Jumpin Jamboree, 96-86

The Jamboree, altough still on top to date, are feeling a bit like sad sacks, droopy packages, paisley-print briefs, what-have-you... after this down-to-the-wire loss to Buffalo Troopers. Why would Pete Rose pose for this picture? I guess 70's Sexy is different than today's Sexy. I want to add to the Prevee accolades for Tyce's effort this week- after all, I remember when I used to get a single piece of sugar-free candy after completing a successful turn on the porcelain chair back in my potty-training days. Oh, memories!

My New BFF def. Cardiac Kids, 126-101

Paris pulls the ball back and Jen takes a hearty swipe, but strikes nothing but the emptiness that follows you around all week after losing in fantasy football. Or not.


-K'sF.

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Check out SI's Conference Power Rankings for Week 1

Conference Power Rankings: Week One

about 6 hours ago

By Bill Trocchi, SI.com

The Conference Power Rankings have returned for Year Two, only now they will live in The Sweep, our esteemed college football blog. These initial rankings do not include Monday night's Tennessee-UCLA game, which could potentially give the Pac-10 a nice boost.

1. SEC (10-1 nonconference, 3-0 vs. BCS)

The Good: Anyone who witnessed Alabama's thrashing of Clemson came away impressed with the Crimson Tide, including SI.com's Cory McCartney. And how could you not? A team picked third in the SEC West thrashed the consensus ACC favorite. Could Nick Saban's squad already be among the SEC's elite with Georgia, Auburn, LSU and Florida? That spells Y-I-K-E-S for anyone hoping the mouthy SEC would dip this year.

The Bad: Mississippi State's loss to Louisiana Tech was the lone blemish -- and a bad one at that -- but don't forget Arkansas' escape job against Western Illinois. The Hogs needed to convert a fourth-and-10 during an 83-yard touchdown drive in the final minutes to win 28-24. Would Bobby Petrino have been faxing his resume around if the Razorbacks had lost?

The Verdict: There were no dents in the armor atop the conference. Alabama's statement win puts the SEC in its familiar position atop these rankings.

2. Big 12 (10-2, 2-1 vs. BCS)

The Good: Missouri's solid performance against Illinois was the Big 12's signature win, validating not only the Tigers' inclusion in the national championship discussion but also Chase Daniel's Heisman candidacy. Stewart Mandel observed that Missouri's defense needs to be better, but the Tigers were never in danger of losing to last year's Rose Bowl representative. Oklahoma State also recorded a solid road win against Washington State in Seattle.

The Bad: Mike Sherman didn't exactly wow anyone in his debut in College Station. Texas A&M lost 18-14 to Arkansas State in a game the always-neutral Associated Press said will "likely will go down as one of the most embarrassing losses in school history." Arkansas State was 0-14 vs. the Big 12 before that game.

The Verdict: The Big 12's traditional fluffy nonconference slate actually had some beef this week with Wake Forest (who whipped Baylor), Illinois and Washington State. The conference, already loaded with top QBs, may have another in Kansas State's Josh Freeman, who threw for three TDs and ran for two in a blowout of North Texas.

3. Pac-10 (4-1, 2-1 vs. BCS)

The Good: USC had no trouble with its cross-country flight to Virginia or Mark Sanchez's sore knee. The Trojans looked good from the get-go and added plenty of fuel to the hype for its battle with Ohio State in two weeks. Cal's 38-31 win over Michigan State was a nice feather in the cap.

The Bad: Not much to point to except Washington State's loss to Oklahoma State in coach Paul Wulff's debut. Remember, however, that this is being written before UCLA's game with Tennessee. I fear for the Bruins in that one.

The Verdict: Thumbs up. When you look at in-conference play, Stanford and Oregon both have to be happy with strong performances at home and Oregon State has to feel good about the return of Sammie Stroughter, who had 157 yards and two touchdowns. The Beavers were two unusual fumbles away from winning at Stanford. USC is the class of the league, but opening week showed there's depth, too.

4. Big Ten (7-3, 1-2 vs. BCS)

The Good: At the top of the league, Ohio State, Penn State and Wisconsin all took care of business against inferior opponents, while Illinois put up a fight against Missouri. Northwestern finally buried a weak Syracuse team in the second half.

The Bad: Michigan did not look good against Utah and the Wolverines had a slew of Utah penalities to thank for even being in the game. SI.com's Gennaro Filice says Michigan fans need to be patient with Rich Rodriguez's new offense. Minnesota needed a touchdown on fourth down in the final minute against Northern Illinois to avoid its second loss to a MAC team in two years, and Michigan State showed it was not the equal of an upper-division Pac-10 squad in Cal.

The Verdict: Michigan confirmed it does not belong in the Top 25, which is bad news for a league trying to shake its Ohio State-only image. For the good of the league, Penn State needs to avoid an upset against Oregon State next week and Northwestern can't lose to Duke.

Keep reading.

MOUTHPIECE Blog Hit from Will Brinson

Be sure to check in on the boys over at the MOUTHPIECE Blog, run by one of Chicago's finest, Ryan Corazza. Sure, the blog is Chicago-centric, but what's wrong with being in the Chi-town know? Hearing the inside scoop on Chicago's sports is certainly more refreshing than watching Barack bowl, or hearing stories about Sarah Palin tagging beautiful Alaskan caribou with an anti-aircraft weapon.

Juice Williams: Pulp or Fiction?

By Will Brinson

The loss of Rashard Mendenhall to the NFL kind of made me think “step-back” for Ron Zook and the Illini. Juice Williams is a nice quarterback, but, uh, that’s really stretching it, no? I mean, his name’s Juice. Kidding. But seriously, he made huge strides last year and still finished with just 13 touchdowns and 12 picks. For a Rose Bowl team.

Flash forward to this past Saturday, and if you find defense offensive, then you were in silly scoring heaven as Missouri outshot Illinois 52-42. (Although if you’re an Illinois fan, you might not have been in heaven, I suppose.)

Chase Daniels, predictably, lit the scoreboard up to the tune of a 26-for-45 day with 323 yards passing, three touchdowns and one pick. Yet, there was Juice … outperforming Daniels and throwing up career numbers all over the place. He was 26-for-42 with 451 yards and FIVE touchdowns (with two picks). Yes, “WTF” would be appropriate.

So is it real? Has Juice evolved into this Zook-fueled passing machine of death that will throttle the Big Ten as soon as he gets back in conference and take the Illini to the championship game? Not so fast, my friend. There’s hope for Juice’s future, but …

If you watched the game, you know that Juice looked out of synch in the first half, sending errant passes over his receivers left and right (in fact, this was our top running joke elsewhere I believe) before finally getting his mess together and leading the Illini back on the comeback trail.

And he did just that, but the bigger issue is that Mizzou’s defense stinks. I mean, they’re really, really not good. Which means that once Big Ten play starts, we might get a dose of the real Juice and people might start realizing that he’s not quite as good as they thought. Now, I could be dead wrong and he will have evolved into some sort of mutant clone of Dan Marino and destroy the conference. But I’m pretty sure he won’t. Enjoy the week haters, but as soon as that conference play gets cranked up, you’ll be agreeing with me.

Peter King Loves Snausages

Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me II

The New York Giants have named Snausages (I just love that brand name ... Snausages) the official dog snack of the team. For every third down the Giants convert this year, Snausages will donate $100 to New York Pet Rescue in Larchmont, N.Y.

Think of that promotion: Someone actually had to think of that, present it at a Snausages board meeting, sell it to the Giants, and do it with a straight face.