The New York Giants have named Snausages (I just love that brand name ... Snausages) the official dog snack of the team. For every third down the Giants convert this year, Snausages will donate $100 to New York Pet Rescue in Larchmont, N.Y.
Think of that promotion: Someone actually had to think of that, present it at a Snausages board meeting, sell it to the Giants, and do it with a straight face.
The Lions made a pick. Stop snickering. And he's a pretty good player. Stop it! Nothing is funny! He could help the team improve. Last warning, damn it!
Okay, everything the Lions do is funny. Most coaches invoke omerta when talking about their pre-draft needs. Rod Marinelli shows up at his press conference babbling like a sorority sister on sodium pentothal, reading off his draft board like it's a grocery list. Funny. At one point, he said that he's building for "five to ten years down the road." Talk about an endless highway. Don't pressure the guy for results until 2018, all right? Funny.
And then there's Matt Millen, incompetent and ever-defensive about it, a Bill Parcells wannabe who has the tough-guy demeanor down pat but thinks that's the entire package. Hysterical. He changes offensive coordinators twice a year like smoke alarm batteries, then talks about the importance of continuity. He adheres to a Horatio Alger-meets-Jiminy Cricket philosophy: the Lions will win if they just get tougher, try harder, and believe. No talent or player development needed, which is good, because he isn't providing much. Ironically, awkwardly hilarious.
And now they've finally picked after dealing down, reaching for a pretty good Boston College tackle to replace the pretty good Boston College tackle (Damien Woody) who left via free agency. Cherilus isn't bad: like most BC linemen, he's tough and dedicated and has pretty good pass blocking technique. But he had a hard time moving from right to left tackle in college, so it's hard to project him sliding over in the pros. And the Lions have too many needs to take a right tackle this high. And Jeff Otah, a better overall prospect, is on the board. And so on.
But please, no "Lions think he's a wideout" jokes, or variations thereof. They are too lazy, too easy, too 2007. This is Deadspin, and we aspire to a higher level of sports satire.
Penis.
Bengals receiver Chad Johnson has been demanding a trade and says he will hold out until he gets one -- for as long as it takes. Then on Tuesday, Cincinnati coach Marvin Lewis essentially said, Make my day. Lewis told the media that as far as he was concerned, Ocho Cinco could sit and rot all year if that's what he wants to do, concluding his remarks thusly: "So don't play." Ouch. That's what's known in poker as calling a bluff.
Still, that leaves us with one pressing question. To wit: What will Chad do with himself all year without football? Fortunately, that sort of nonsense query is right up our alley:
10. Spike package of Hot Pockets when he reaches front of the express lane
9. Meet expenses by leasing space in his ginormous mouth
8. Ponder just how sordid you must be if the Bengals are sick of you
7. Discover someone beat him to new nickname choice: "No mas"
6. Foolishly pick himself in fantasy football
5. Don't worry, he's still a superdelegate
4. Guarantee win on scratch-off lottery ticket to befuddled deli clerk
3. Heartened when trip to mechanic proves that squeaky wheel really does get the grease
2. Try to join Judd Apatow comedy cabal
1. Yeah, like he's really going to sit out all year. As if!
