from 'The Mag'

LIFE OF REILLY

Weighed down by too much cash? Don't worry, I'm here to help.

David Dow/NBAE via Getty Images

By Rick Reilly

Congrats, newly minted NBA rookie!

Now you've been drafted. Next comes the delicious multimillion-dollar contract. And that's when you must do what most NBA players do: start going through cash like Jack Black through the Keebler factory.

Filing for bankruptcy is a long-standing tradition for NBA players, 60% of whom, according to the Toronto Star, are broke five years after they retire. The other 40% deliver the Toronto Star.

It's not just NBA players who have the fiscal sense of the Taco Bell Chihuahua. All kinds of athletes wind up with nothing but lint in their pockets. And if everyone from Johnny Unitas to Sheryl Swoopes to Lawrence Taylor can do it, so can you! With my How to Go Bankrupt* DVD series, it's a layup to go belly-up!

Ten essentials, just to get you started:

1. Screw up, deny it, then fight by using every lawyer and dime you have. Roger Clemens just sold his Bentley, reportedly to pay legal bills. Marion Jones lawyered herself broke before she finally copped and went to prison. Paging Mr. Bonds, Mr. Barry Bonds.


2. Buy a house the size of Delaware. Evander Holyfield was in danger of losing his 54,000-square-foot pad outside Atlanta, and it's a shame. He had almost visited all 109 rooms!

FROM $300M UP TO $27M DOWN? EASY.




3. Buy many, many cars. Baseball slugger Jack Clark had 18 cars and owed money on 17 when he went broke. And don't get just boring Porsches and Mercedes. Go for Maybachs. They sell for as much as $375,000—even though they look like Chrysler 300s—and nobody will ever know how to pronounce them, much less fix them.


4. Buy a jet. They burn money like the Pentagon. Do you realize it costs $50,000 just to fix the windshield on one? Scottie Pippen borrowed $4.375 million to buy some wings and spent God knows how much more for insurance, pilots and fuel. Finally, his wallet cried uncle. The courts say he still owes $5 million, including interest. See you in coach, Scottie! (For that matter, why not a yacht? Latrell Sprewell kept his 70-foot Italian-made yacht tied up in storage until the bank repossessed it, in August 2007. He probably sat at home and cried about that—until the bank foreclosed on his house, this past May.)


5. Spend stupid money on other really stupid stuff. In going from $300 million up to $27 million down, Mike Tyson once spent $9,180 in two months to care for his white tiger. That's why Iron Mike's picture is on our logo!


6. Hire an agent who sniffs a lot and/or is constantly checking the scores on his BlackBerry. Those are the kinds of guys who will suck up your dough like a street-sweeper. Ex-Knick Mark Jackson once had a business manager he thought he could trust. Turned out the guy was forging Jackson's signature on checks—an estimated $2.6 million worth—to feed a gambling jones. "And it wasn't like I was a rookie—I was a veteran," Jackson says. The only reason he says he's getting some money back is because he didn't …


7. Sign over power of attorney. What's it mean? Who cares? Just sign! The guy you're signing it over to knows. And while you play Xbox, he'll be buying large portions of Switzerland for himself. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar let an agent named Tom Collins have power of attorney once, and it cost Kareem $9 million before he figured it out.


8. Spend like the checks will never stop. Also known as the Darren McCarty method. Despite earning $2.1 million a year, Red Wing McCarty, who started a rock band called Grinder, went splat by investing in everything but fur socks ($490,000 in unlikely-to-be-repaid loans) and gambling large ($185,000 in casino markers). In other words, a Tuesday for John Daly.


9. Just ball. Don't write your own checks. Don't drive your own car. Don't raise your own kids. Just be a tall slab of skilled meat for others to feast on. Not to worry. It'll be over before you know it.


10. Most of all, set up a huge support system around you. It'll be years before you'll realize they call it a support system because you're the only one supporting it. They're all on full-ride scholarships at the University of You. "Guys go broke because they surround themselves with people who help them go broke," says ex-NBA center Danny Schayes, who now runs No Limits Investing in Phoenix. "I know all-time NBA, top-50 guys who sold their trophies to recover."

See, kid? You can be a top-50 guy!

So order my How to Go Bankrupt series now, and get this empty refrigerator box to sleep in, absolutely free!

*(Only $1,449 plus shipping, handling, service fee, dealer prep and undercoating. Per month.)

Love the column, hate the column, got a better idea? Go here.

Want more Life of Reilly? Then check out the archive.

Sueper Sexy Dwyane Wade, from Deadspin:

Dwyane Wade Becomes Unwitting Spokesman In China

Dwyane Wade's plummet from fresh-faced NBA megastar to injury-prone cellphone salesman continues on its downward spiral, as the Miami Heat guard has popped up as the new face of Chinese-based "Sueper Sex", a pre-intercourse "time delay capsule" according to Black Sports Online. (Via Sports Business Digest)

But not so fast: The image on the packet is the same one used on NBA Live 06 and was, according to Wade's spokespeople, not authorized by the NBA star. So, this isn't one of those situations where high-profile celebs get millions of dollars in Asia to promote blue jeans or beer. This is actually more comparable to when Ellen Griswold becomes the shower-dancing star of "The Hot, Wet Wife" in Italy.

Hopefully, D-Wade has a good lawyer in his five.

Dwyane Wade: Long, strong, and down to get the friction on! [Sports Business Digest]

Get Your Beastie On

THE BEASTIE BOYS MEET THE NBA DRAFT

by Jason Matloff, Stevland Wilson, and Anna Clemmons

The Mag: Adam Yauch is Gunnin' For That #1 Spot

Adam Yauch is an original member of The Beastie Boys, which in and of itself makes him awesome. However, he is also the director and producer of the upcoming documentary Gunnin' for that No. 1 Spot, which follows a bunch of the 2008 NBA Draft class from 2006 onward. Take a look at it right here, and always remember: these draft picks can easily define themselves as, "like numbers beyond what you can dial; maybe it's because we're so versatile." Anyone? Anyone? It's lyrics from Intergalatic!

Flea blogs about his Lakers, his Fanhood, and Burning Red Auerbach's Book

Flea: Don’t Question My Fanhood!

http://my.nba.com/forum.jspa?forumID=300017151

“Anyways, my attitude now, is to love always, to not waste energy on
anger and hatred,” he writes. “Recently, a few months ago, I was playing golf with my two main golfing
buddies one of them said to me, ‘Man I read this really great book about Red Auerbach, how he used to meet with his like minded friends each week, and how to put together a great team, it is a really brilliant book, Red Auerbach was an amazing and innovative guy. I want to give it to you, it will inspire you.’ I said to him, ‘If you give me that book I will burn it.’ He was offended, told me I was close minded, blah blah blah. He doesn't understand! The guy is from Colorado by the way, he just doesn’t know.

"What is the point of being a Laker fan if you don't hate the Celtics? Lakers fans hate Celtics and Celtics fans hate Lakers. I am a very loving person, but this is a time [the Finals] when it is fun to hate.”

Call me old fashioned, but Flea has a point; there’s nothing wrong with developing rivalries. Oscar the Grouch gave Sesame Street the counter-punch it desperately needed to reel in the 3-5 year old demographic back in the early 80’s.

The Nuggets have officially become the French army

Welcome To Quitsville, Population: 12

The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who is becoming increasingly grumpy as the playoffs continue. When he's ruing losses by his favorite teams and wins by the teams he hates, he can be found sulking at Basketbawful. Enjoy!

The Nuggets have officially become the French army. They meekly surrendered to the Lakers during their 108-84 defeat. At least, that's what Carmelo Anthony thinks. "In a game like tonight, on our home court, us giving up as a whole is uncalled for. Yeah. We quit. Everybody. From the coaches to the players, we quit. And I said it."

Check out the rest at Deadspin.com

Pearl Jam's Jeff Ament tells ESPN MAG why the SuperSonics leaving Seattle is a sham

BREAKING: PEARL JAM TALKS TO US. SONICS? LOVED. BEN HARPER AND FLEA? BALLERS. DAVID STERN? BAD NEWS.

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By Chris Sprow


"As you can see, Mr. Stern, I also roll with influential people. Meet Cypress Hill."


When Pearl Jam famously quit doing music videos in the early 90's, group co-founder and bassist Jeff Ament said, "Ten years from now, I don't want people to remember our songs as videos." Videos and memories may soon be all that's left of Ament's beloved Sonics. Here, he talks with us about hoops—before PJ, the band was briefly called Mookie Blaylock—memories, the ultimate rock star starting five, and what could be the last days of the Sonics.

MAG: You've been a season ticket holder for the Sonics for a long time. How does it feel to know that this Sunday could have been the last Sonics game in Seattle?

AMENT: It's sad...and I've only put in half the time that a lot of the Sonic fans have, but I've been a life long NBA fan and after this debacle, I'm kinda' over the whole league. I told Brent Barry that when he's retired, I'm moving on to full time NCAA and high school ball. The politics of this are a mess, but it seems clear Seattle is capable of supporting pro teams; they just built two new stadiums. Knowing what we now know, on principle, should they ever support a Bennett-owned team? No. In fact, if the deal goes through, I would bet that a lot of Sonic fans will pay very little attention to the NBA. I'm not sure what sort of spit-swapping was going on between (Clay) Bennett and (David) Stern, but the whole thing stinks of conspiracy. I know it happens everyday, but I can't believe these sorts of deals are allowed to happen in this country. The fact that the Key Arena is the main issue is a joke. They just completely remodeled the place in 1995. Have any of these critics been to the Palace in Auburn Hills, or Oakland Arena, or Continental Arena...New Orleans, Charlotte, the Target Center, the Bradley Center or Arco? All are worse than the Key...and the new arenas like Staples, Boston and MCI Center have such mellow slope in the seating that unless you're in the first 20 rows, you might as well be at home. I mean, they're great if you like hanging out at the mall, but does it capture the energy of a live sporting event? I think not. I know this because we've either played in these arenas or I've watched hoops in all of them.

MAG: Your favorite memory of basketball in Seattle?
AMENT: Western Conference Finals, Game 7, Utah Jazz at the Key Arena, 1996. Shawn Kemp was the best player in the league and G.P. was coming into his own. After a few years of Stockton and Malone serving the Sonics on a regular basis, we finally did it. My brother and I got so excited, we jumped over press row and ended up out on the court celebrating with the players. I remember Frank Brickowski screaming and jumping up and down like a little kid...and then, we got escorted off the court. You've played for a long time—High school, college at Montana, right on through today.

MAG:If you could put together a team of people in your profession, who do you take as your five?
AMENT: I'd start with Ed (Vedder), who hates losing at least as much as me...Flea and Ben Harper would round out the guards...we grab Ice Cube, and then Steve Gorman from the Black Crowes...we'd be short but scrappy. Obama kinda' qualifies as a rock star, so we'd bring him along too, for diplomatic situations and his sweet stroke.

MAG: How will this all end with the Sonics, and if they go, who is learning a lesson? Is anything gained?
AMENT: Professional sports has been heading this direction for a long time. When NBA added the "Entertainment," I knew it was doomed. Are you kidding me? A great energetic sport like basketball doesn't need the light show, video games, advertising and music blaring from the scoreboard. We'll see how it all turns out after a couple years of recession. There are gonna' be a lot more empty seats. It might be a great time for Seattle to get out of the business, but I'm still gonna' be sad about it for a long time. The Sonics are dead. Long live the Supersonics.

[Origin of the Species]